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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 126 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Aug 14, 2013 1:00am PDT
" joshua oppenheimer will be with us. magnificent film. (applause) we start tonight right here in new york city. >> stop and frisk is a controversial tactic used by police in big cities like new york, los angeles, and philadelphia. in new york, it's been policy for 11 years, defined like this: a person is temporarily detained on the street against his or her will for the purposes of questioning. >> john: that's right, stop and frisk, not just the title of a '90s ripoff of "turner and hooch" about a cop whose partner is a cat. the movie has some problems once the bad guys realize they can completely distract the cat with a laser pointer. damn it, frisk, focus! >i've almost got it, sarge! (laughter) for years, opinion in new york has been divided on -- (laughter). i'll allow it. for years, opinion has been divided on frisk with black and latino residents of the city saying it's an invasion of their liberty and white redents saying "oh, i think i heard a thing about that on npr. is that still happen? ing". (laughter) obviously, i don't mean to suggest that it's only use against the city's min
Comedy Central
Aug 19, 2013 7:25pm PDT
. is that still happen? ing". (laughter) obviously, i don't mean to suggest that it's only use against the city's minorities, but it is almost that. >> between 2004 and 2012 there were 4.43 million stops. 52% were black suspects 3, 1% were hispanic. >> of these thousands of daily frisks, only 6% lead to an arrest. >> john: it's basically like catch-and-release fishing except you get to feel the fish up and shout at it a bit before throwing it back. also, almost all the fish are brown. (laughter) this policy has been in place for over a decade. but there may be some good news on the horizon if you happen to be a minority who likes walking. >> today a federal judge called the n.y.p.d.'s policy of stop, question, and frisk unconstitutional. the judge said the city adopted a policy of indirect racial profiling. >> john: it's indirect racial profiling. (laughter) it's like a cop saying "should we frisk people outside the apollo or outside the jimmy buffett concert? tell you what, let's flip a coin and then head up to harlem." (laughter) the judging ruling found the police disproportionately target
Comedy Central
Aug 1, 2013 1:00am PDT
[horn honking]nking ) they've modified a bus to get us out of here! - i knew they'd come back for us!ome bak al - all right! yeah! - look, glen, we're saved!we'rea - all right, i'm turning around. i' - why are they turning? - what are they doing? don't leave us! - let's hope to christ this works. hope to - ♪ california love fonia ♪ ♪ california ♪ is nice to the homeless ♪is nice ♪ california ♪ ♪ super cool to the homeless ♪ to ♪ in the city in the ♪ city of santa monica sant ♪ lots of rich people ich e ♪ giving change to the homeless ♪omeless - change?c - ♪ in the city - ♪ city of brentwood - ♪ in the city ♪ they take really good care ♪ ♪ of all their homeless ir - they're listening! let's go! ♪ - ♪ in the city ity ♪ - ♪ marina del rey ♪ they're so nice to the homeless ♪meless ♪ build 'em porta-potties - they're--they're leading them away!they' - we're gonna be all right! we'r - ♪ california ♪ ♪ super cool to the homeless ♪ - ♪ california an ♪ a orn ne ♪ in the city ♪ city of venice ♪ right by m
Comedy Central
Aug 8, 2013 1:00am PDT
tonight with breaking news. >> the big chill between the u.s. and russia may be heading for the deep freeze. president obama has officially canceled his one-on-one meeting with vladimir putin. >> john: canceled? wow, that's a big diplomatic slap in the face, a dip move, if you will. ( laughter ) although if the president really wanted to hurt putin he would have said he was coming and just stood him up. trust me, that hurts a lot more. or if you wanted to be more passive aggressive the president could have said let's meet somewhere that's not technically in russia like, i don't know, moscow airport. ( cheers and applause ) look, we all know-- we all know why this meeting was canceled, right. >> president obama formally canceled next month's meeting in moscow with russia's president vladimir putin. why? >> missile defense, human rights, that controversial law there that bans gay relationships and a lot of concern about how it's going to impact the olympics in sochi. >> john: oh, that's right because russia will not allow a hint of homoswullity in an event where you either win a skin-t
Comedy Central
Aug 12, 2013 9:30am PDT
>> that's our show, please join us tomorrow at 11:00, here it is our moment of zen. >> you can never remember what kim kardashian did in the first place that you know who kim kardashian is but there she is. and now you know who she is so whatever she does, then you got to cover it i feel captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the show, everybody. welcome to the report. good to have you with us. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much ( cheers and applause ). thank you, ladies and gentlemen. nation, let's get straight to the top story tonight-- me. ( laughter ) the world is abuzz over last night's show. it was my third annual colbchella concert series and it was without a doubt the third time we have done it. ( laughter ) my star-studded video tribute to the song of the summer lit up the twittersphere, though i do have to say, i am a little hurt that not nearly enough people have congratulated me on the height of my chorus line kick with the rockettes. ( cheers
Comedy Central
Aug 7, 2013 11:30pm PDT
. welcome to the report. good to have you with us. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much ( cheers and applause ). thank you, ladies and gentlemen. nation, let's get straight to the top story tonight-- me. ( laughter ) the world is abuzz over last night's show. it was my third annual colbchella concert series and it was without a doubt the third time we have done it. ( laughter ) my star-studded video tribute to the song of the summer lit up the twittersphere, though i do have to say, i am a little hurt that not nearly enough people have congratulated me on the height of my chorus line kick with the rockettes. ( cheers and applause ). yes. i am deeply hurt in that i believe i tore my hams string. ( laughter ) now, folks, if you weren't here last night, you're probably in daft punk. ( laughter ) these guys-- they were a no-show because of an alleged exclusive agreement to appear on mtv, i assume because they're 16 and pregnant. ( laughter ) but it turns out, it turns out-- that's what i thought-- but it turns out, as i explained in minute det
Comedy Central
Aug 12, 2013 11:00pm PDT
. our guest tonight is senator rand paul, he's going to be with us. (cheers and applause) he's also where we begin tonight. what has senator paul been up to? >> senator rand paul of kentucky heads to iowa. >> he has planned to visit south carolina and nevada. >> tomorrow he headlines a g.o.p. dinner new hampshire. >> i know rand paul, i think he'll run in 2016. >> what stands between the paul dynasty and 2016? >> well, i'll tell you the first thing that stands between them, three (bleep)ing years! (laughter) that's over 50 new iphones from now. (laughter) why are we talking about this election? that brings us to yet another installment of "can't you at least wait until jon stewart comes back?" (laughter) seriously! this is my last week doing this! it's not just that the media is already ramping up their 2016 coverage, it's this some of them are already trying to wind it down. >> i predict the hard right is going to take over the republican party in 2016 and the nomination is going to rand paul. you watch. this is what i do for a living. >> jon: ooh! (laughter) really? because all th
Comedy Central
Aug 1, 2013 9:00am PDT
in "lovelace," hank azaria is with us. very, very good. but we begin tonight with congress. >> a new cnn poll shows just how fed up we are with congress. 77% disapprove of how congress is handling its job. >> john: congratulations, congress. 77%. you may be about to become the english language's most offense of the "c" word. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) after ( bleep ). but, look, there's still two days left before the august recess. the "c" word could still pull this around. they could pass immigration reform. it's already been through the senate, so come o"c" word, let's do this. >> immigration reform. that's stuck and it has a very difficult road of getting anywhere in the house. >> john: okay, let's just be honest now-- the house is clearly where things go to die. it's where parents are going to start telling their kids their aging pets went. "oh, now, fluffy's fine, darling. she just got stuck in committe committee." ( laughter ) one challenge facing this immigration bill is-- ( laughter ) one challenge facing this immigration bill is a certain level of misinformation about the p
Comedy Central
Aug 5, 2013 9:30am PDT
of audience. please join us tomorrow tomorrow night. here it is, your moment of zen. >> anthony weiner, carlos danger will withdraw from the mayoral election. >> farewell, carlos. he's a goner. bye, captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central onight, troubling news from the arctic. that iceberg that sunk the titanic has never been brought to justice. then how much should voters know about the candidates? i'd say more than mitt romney, less than anthony weiner. and my guest, dr. atul gawande has written about how ideas catch on. i always heard you got them from a toilet seat. cnn is offering do's and don't's for summertime sex. first don't: watch cnn. sthis is the colbert report. ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: you know, folks, you know, folks, what you just did there... [ cheers and applause ] please, folks. i've got tell you, welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. that chanting of my name you just
Comedy Central
Aug 8, 2013 7:25pm PDT
'llob a plane into u.s. custody faster than a definitely not homoerotic team of elastic clad men. that quick. actually, russia is not only global leadership story we're dealing with tonight which brins us to our new segment... indeed. now, we've already dealt with russia, so let's see where our magical dploab will take us next egypt! egypt. i just lift egypt. i'm not-- i'm not used to guns. ( laughter ) as the situation in egypt continues to devolve, the u.s. like a polar bear on a hastily melting glackier is trying to act like everything's still cool. ( laughter ) a couple of weeks ago, we discussed how, due to an unhelpful u.s. law we are unable to call the egyptian military takeover of their government a coup because if we utter the diplomatically offensive "c" word we will no longer be able to send egypt aid, our only nonmissile-based move. don't worry. since then we've come up with an ingenious solution. >> law does not require us to make a formal determination. that is a review we have undergone, as to whether coup took place and it is not in our national interest to make such a determ
Comedy Central
Aug 19, 2013 6:50pm PDT
! >> welcome to the report. thank you. for joining us. ladies and gentlemen, it's incredible. do you feel the energy! do you feel the power at my fingertips? these people ready to fight for freedom. folks, thank you so much. thank you so much. please, sit down, everybody. i'm sorry, that kind of love. i had to stand there i thought somebody was carving me for a monument. now nation for the last month i have been hot on the trail of nsa leaker edward snowden. he has eluded authorities by hiding out in a moscow airport. i knew we should have signed an extra decision treaty with au bon pain. well now, folks, this cybertraiter has flown the airport. more than a month after landing atmos you could's airport ed snowden now is on the move for the first time. the nsa leaker said to be leaving the airport, officially entering russia after being granted temporary asylum. >> stephen: yes, he has got answer sigh lum in russia where vladimir putin shares snowden's passion for transparency. and folks there is startling new information on the nsa's secret surveillance programs. it turns out even as he w
Comedy Central
Aug 8, 2013 6:50pm PDT
. but this one includes canada and u.s. oh, that is an international tour. is my passport valid? we'll find out! hey, if you can't make it there, may 29th i'm in vegas. i do have some sad news to report from the tosh.o family. over the break, one of our writers lost his grandma. >> oooh. >> save your pity. he made out on a -- like bandit on our grandma wide office death pool. here's how it works. everyone with a living grandma pays in a dollar a day until one of them dies. jim got lucky when his grandma croaked at day 214. he won the pot. an autopsy was not performed, so i suspect foul play. it's not all good news for jim, though. he's one of two people in the show who comes from alabama and the crazy thing is they're actually proud of it. i find that extremely annoying. so i constantly make them write jokes about how stupid their state is. the problem is, he just got -- bama just got its -- i refuse to let a natural disaster destroy alabama. that's my job. i'm asking you to help get that overweight racist state back on its feet so we can continue to make fun of it. to make a $10 donation to th
Comedy Central
Aug 1, 2013 6:55pm PDT
. blackberries are the things old people use because typing on iphones is scary. [laughter] apparently to get a rim job, you've got to french kiss a lot of ass. [laughter] by the way, if you go to the commissary, i hear they have great tossed salad. [laughter] alright, that's enough. next week, the hurdle girls stop by for our first ever web rematch. [laughter] i assume that was the olympics. [laughter] alright, now it's time for comedy central's favorite part of the show. the plugs. my new stand-up special "happy thoughts" premieres march 6th. be sure you follow me on twitter so we can live chat during the shows. and keep up with our daily blog over at tosh.comedycentral.com and feel free to submit your own videos. and finally, last week i asked my sexiest twitter followers to send me videos of them burping. i don't know why we're doing this, but we do have 30 episodes to fill this year, so suck it. [laughter] [burping] [burping] [burping] >> bye-bye! [applause] >> stephen: tonight, will hillary clinton run in 2016? and will joe biden run into a glass door? then, a family activity gets a mod
Comedy Central
Aug 1, 2013 7:30pm PDT
does not use drugs. because-- does he have any idea what 75 pounds of marijuana would look like? ( laughter ) that would be pretty hard to haul across a desert. ( cheers and applause ) in fact, could we see a little bit more of that picture? okay, so he was right about one thing. but maybe we shouldn't blame steve king. this is probably just what his constituents want, right? >> 69% of steve king's constituents in iowa's fourth congressional district want comprehensive immigration reform. 59% support a pathway to permanent residents for undocumented immigrants under the age of 15. >> john: wow! to go this hard against your own constituency and basic reason, you really must have balls the size of cantaloupes. ( laughter ) and unrepresentative king is not alone in his distrust of these immigrants. >> the problem is that so many of them who come here illegally come so ill prepared for succe success. they come with lack of education. they come with lack of skill. they come with lack of ability or unwillingness to asimulate into the culture. >> john: exactly. do we really want these
Comedy Central
Aug 8, 2013 11:00pm PDT
-g-g gosses. my jest a junior senator from the state of new york, kirsten guilt he brand will be with us. but first we start tonight with memories. who remembers when the wall street bankers turned our financial system into a free willing casino with a global crash in which our money disappeared. do you remember? yeah, yeah. i remember that too. well, guess what? the chickens are finally coming home to roost. >> the department of justice announced today it is going after bank of america, doj says america's second largest bank lied about the riskiness of 850 million dollars in shares of home loans that were sold to investors. >> another big bank could be facing trouble from the federal government. >> jpmorgan chase reports that a preliminary justice department investigation found the bank did indeed break the law while selling residential mortgage bonds from 2005 to 2007. >> yes! accountability. (cheers and applause) >> we got them, baby! whooo! >> accountability. >> yes! yes, sure, justice has been a long time coming but that is just going to make it all the sweeter now. so let's start w
Comedy Central
Aug 14, 2013 11:30pm PDT
>> john: that's our show. summer is over. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> the brain child of tessla motors and space-x ceo elon musk says... >> i think it's pronounced a different way. >> how is it pronounced? i captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central onight small town values are under attack. oh, no, did that footloose kid start dancing again? then is the government trying to get inside our heads? why else would they have a secretary of the interior? and my guest kevin spacey stars in the house of cards as a scheming congressman. i'll asked him why he switched to documentaries. in boston, mobster whitey bulger has been convicted on 31 counts. here in new york, tighty whitey bulger continues his run for mayor. this is is the colbert report. [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen, stephen, stephen! tephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. thank you, in here, out there. listen, america and all the ships at sea, folks, if
Comedy Central
Aug 21, 2013 1:00am PDT
to take a cue from cutting edge technology such as radio and reality television by using product placement. now let's see how scoop bezos reports the international news. russian president putin today affirmed his support for the syrian government. nice word bezos. you just missed a huge revenue stream. russian president putin today affirmed his support for syria's government while enjoying a ice cold moxie soda. which it turns out is not disgusting. that taste. >> john: no serious news outlet would ever engage in that kind of shameless beverage. >> have you never seen the opening sequence of morning joe brewed by starbucks. >> john: i do think my point about serious news outlets stands. this is all window dressing, hodgeman. are you going to offer the readers anything substantively new in terms of actual content? >> of course. exclusive premium content. for those selective readers willing to pay an extra fee i will also send an actual human being the a place where news is happening. and that person will look around and ask questions and write down what's going on. >> john: that's just call
Comedy Central
Aug 22, 2013 7:25pm PDT
if teddy bears were alive and surprisingly aggressive. koalas. australia might have something to teach us when it comes to democracy starting with this: >> in australia, they have a compulsory voting system so everyone is required to register to vote and to turn out to vote and if they don't they're fined. >> that's right, it's illegal not to vote there. they spend a huge amount of time and energy getting people to the polls rather than spending time, energy, and a supreme court decision preventing them. (laughter) but you might think, "hold on, john, if our elections were just four weeks we wouldn't have all the fun of watching the human gaffer launches on the campaign trail." (laughter) here's the thing: you're wrong. name a great campaign moment and australia will get to it this month. aunt clumsy on-camera prattful by a candidate? check. >> one of their favorite past times during campaigns is to kiss babies and he tried to do that yesterday, he went in for the kiss but at the last minute the mother turned away and he ended up putting his lips on the back of the mother's head. it was a
Comedy Central
Aug 1, 2013 11:30pm PDT
night, on comedy central. we'll be here all next week. please join us. here it is, your moment of zen. >> once i got the opportunity, i was in business. so kids i want to you listen up. never talk a good job down. . >> tonight shocking news out of bit mo, something got out of gitmo. then san diego's mayor get as caused of gross sexual misconduct. in a related story the san diego zoo is expecting a baby panda. and my guest brian cranston stars in the final season of breaking bad but don't worry the story c ontinues in america's crippling meth epidemic. (laughter) science can now grow teeth from stem cells found in ur-- urine so careful next time your dentist says open wide. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> welcome to the report. thank you. for joining us. ladies and gentlemen, it's incredible. do you feel the energy! do you feel the power at my fingertips? these people ready to fight for free
Comedy Central
Aug 5, 2013 9:00am PDT
leave veitch author of "this town" is with us. it's a brilliant expose of how washington d.c. turns out to be exactly as awful as everyone thinks it is. but we start tonight in russia. with edward snowden, the former n.s.a. contractor turned whistle blower and also of the upcoming lonely planet terminal-d of the moscow airport. so what has he been up to apart from nothing? >> russian news agencies reported that snowden would get a special i.d. card or document of some kind that would allow him to finally leave the airport transit zone. but it turns out that the lawyer wasn't carrying any such i.d. card. he did have some fresh clothes for us, some pizza and a couple of books by check often. >> john: that's nice because nothing lightens a man's spirits like theodore. i think you'll find him in barnes and enable's misery section. take that. now you understand suffering. i've got no problem with you, checkov. no problem. but like a hotel phone ringing at 5:30 a.m. because you specifically requested it, snowden has provided a real wake-up call. (laughing). he's forced americans to examine th
Comedy Central
Aug 6, 2013 1:30am PDT
d8p8$ >> that's our show, please join us tomorrow at 11:00, here it is our moment of zen. >> you can never remember what kim kardashian did in the first place that you know who kim kardashian is but there she is. and now you know who she is so whatever she does, then you got to cover it i feel captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: welcome to the report. good to have you with us. nation... >> stephen, stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] >> stephen: please, sit down, everybody. please, we've got to get going. folks, nation, lock your doors and board up your windows because america is in a state of panic. i hope you're wearing a clean diaper because the united states government in cooperation with cable news has once again taken us to code brown. jim? >> high alert. is an attack imminent? >> americans have been put on notice. they may not be safe this month. >> a global travel alert is now in effect for all americans around the world. that's
Comedy Central
Aug 9, 2013 7:25pm PDT
box-- hold on, hold on, no, there's a note to. to whomever finds us. i think it was a suicide. the lack of wall street accountability is complete bull [bleep]. we can't go on, love the doves. come on. is this-- i'm sorry, doves. i'm sorry. i'm disappointed too. is this really any surprise, though. every time regulator does go after wall street it always ends the same way. >> part of a settlement jpmorgan did not admit or deny wrongdoing. >> citibank denies any wrongdoing but says it was in the bang's best interest to settle. >> ubs did not admit wrongdoing. >> goldman sachs settled early without admitting wrongdoing. >> settled. so it seems wall street regulation is really just like the middle east peace process. no one goes to jail and it all ends with a bunch of half assed settlements that seem to make everyone angry. (applause) >> so we might not get the emotional closure of having them admit what they did or the physical closure of having them go to jail so how about some financial justice. can we at least hit them where it hurts. >> goldman sachs the giant wall street fir
Comedy Central
Aug 12, 2013 11:30pm PDT
.wgbh.org (cheers and applause) >> jon: that's our show, join us tomorrow night at 11:00, here is your moment of zen. >> fish are biting in the water of sweden. >> it's known for crushing nuts and fish with its powerful jaws. but get this: the fish can also captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: whoo! whoo! (audience chanting "stephen") welcome to the "report," everybody, good to have you with us. thanks so much. folks, like most americans out there i love waking up to my pals over at the "today" show. i watch all nine hours every morning. (laughter) it's my one stop shop for news, sports, weather and who's sharting in the white house. (laughter) well, on friday "today" had my favorite rapper, flo-rida. the last black man willing to be associated with the state of florida. (laughter) far and away mr. rida is the best state-named based rapper out there. even better than i sda ho. (laughter) illin' noise and, orthodox jewish hip-hop artist ari zona. (laughter) holla! (cheers and applause) and i applaud the venerable institution that is "today"
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 126 (some duplicates have been removed)